( Not Quite Absolution )The living room of the small cabin was dark, the only light coming from the open window casting long shadows across the room. Sighing, he turned towards the door, preparing to escape once again, at least for a few hours. “Can’t sleep?”
The voice startled him. Turning, he noticed the silhouette of his brother leaning against the open doorframe of the kitchen. “No.”
“She watches you you know...she gets up and sits by the window.”
“How do you know?”
“Can’t sleep either.”
He watched Lincoln tiredly push off from the wall and walk towards the threadbare sofa, plunking himself down upon it. “You remember when we were kids? Mom would always heat up milk when we couldn’t sleep.”
“I remember.”
“Want milk?”
“I think I’m good.”
“Suit yourself.”
He watched as his brother drank from his steaming mug. He was still standing by the door, paralyzed. He had wanted to leave, escape the nightmares that plagued him by sitting on the beach, a practice to which he had become accustomed. Now however, he was fighting an increasing desire to stay. When he was little, he used to sneak into Lincoln’s bedroom and not so innocently wake him up, then they would talk until he was lulled back to sleep. Or at least that was how he chose to remember those nights, the swearing and violent outbursts that followed his intrusions, conveniently forgotten. The situation he was currently in was invoking those memories, and he found himself wanting to relive those nights. Deciding to stay, he moved through the darkness and sat down next to Lincoln. “How long does she stay there?”
“Pretty much as long as you do.”
He watched his brother sip away at his milk before speaking again. “So, does anyone sleep around here?”
“Doubt it.”
“Microwave or stove?”
“Stove, there’s some left if you want.”
“I’m fine.”
“Suit yourself.”
The moment of silence that passed between was almost deafening, unsaid accusations filling his mind. He took a deep breath then spoke, “I didn’t want this for her.”
“I know, but we can’t choose paths for other people Michael.”
“But it’s my fault she’s here.”
“And it’s mine that you are.”
He looked at him, startled. He was the one to blame for all that had passed and after everything they had been through, he never once had thought that Lincoln was responsible. He had told him so. “You never asked me to do any of this.”
“I know.”
“Then why would you think....”
He was interrupted, “Look...I just don’t want you to feel that you are solely responsible for everything that has happened. You didn’t start the ball rolling.”
“Neither did you.”
“Maybe not, but I sure could have done a lot more to prevent it from continuing.” Lincoln sighed, setting down his mug. “I went to that garage Michael.”
“Because of me.”
“No. Because of me.”
He glanced away, no longer able to meet Lincoln’s gaze, “Vee said it was because of LJ.”
“Well, that too.”
He breathed deeply. This conversation had been a long time coming. Sure, they had briefly hit upon it when they first arrived in Panama and that one time at the fence while he was in Sona, but they had never truly discussed it. He didn’t think they were truly discussing it even now, but at least the wall that had grown up between them was beginning to crumble. “I don’t blame you. I chose to do this.”
“Yeah, I know...Michael, she did too.”
He looked at his brother again. Lincoln could not absolve him of his guilt, no matter whom he chose to lay blame with, but he realized that he wasn’t trying to. Neither one of them were innocent when all was said and done, and that was something they would individually have to learn to live with. They had hurt many unnamed people as well as each other and that fact would never go away, the guilt from that alone was debilitating. He knew that better than anyone. What his brother was trying to do was show him that he needed to let go of that guilt, even just a little. It was not quite absolution, but it was a start.
Michael rose suddenly, making his way from the couch towards the kitchen.
“Michael...”
“I decided I wanted some milk after all.”
Lincoln smiled, “Suit yourself.”